Blue Monday came and went, and I was largely unaffected. I'm usually impacted by the lack of sun, vitamin D, and cold in February, and it finally hit pretty hard this weekend. Driving up to the cottage to visit my parents and my dog (!), I began to wonder what would happen if I just drove off the road. Would I die? Would I be injured? Would anyone care? And then those questions were followed with fantasies about what my Celebration of Life would look like. Who would speak? What songs would they choose to represent me? Would they even know what songs to pick? Would my brother sing? Who would come? What the hell were they thinking playing THAT song?
I have a lot of really great things going on in my life. Adam and I are moving home this coming weekend; our dream home is almost FINISHED! My dog will be coming home just days after that. I have built these wonderful relationships picketing with my co-workers, strengthening those bonds. I have a partner who tries his best to take care of me.
But, here's the thing. Depression doesn't give a shit about the good things. It picks apart the small things, it makes your heart race, it coddles your stress, and pushes you towards panic attacks. It makes you sit down in front of screens for hours on end, but prevents you from updating your blog and writing your book, and making progress with your goals. It makes you not want to get up. Ever again.
And yet, here I am. I didn't drive off that road. I didn't find out what would have happened. I decided to stay the course. It's not easy, but, I'm doing my best.
You may be touched by depression, either dealing with it yourself, or supporting someone you know. I share this because it's a constant battle, but it's a fight worth winning.
You are valued, you are worthy, and you are enough.
Please don't forget that.
All my love,
M